Sunday, October 30, 2011

Tough Decision

Have you ever been given a choice between two good things? Either way you go won't be bad, but trying to figure out which direction is the best is the hardest thing you've ever done. Perhaps you have people pulling and pushing you in both directions and the chaos in your own brain is almost more than you can handle. Weighing the options, wanting to go both ways, struggling with not being able to please everybody, praying for God's will but getting no clear direction, living in uncertainty, hoping for the best, tired of fighting.

For the past month what I just described has been my life. The toughest decision I've ever made was in front of me and I had no idea what to do. During that month the confusion was overwhelming and the constant battle in my heart was staggering. Either choice would have been good, but both decisions would have made some happy and others unhappy. So often I wanted to turn to someone else to give me the answer, I didn't want to have to do this on my own. But I had to and I did.

By now you're probably wondering what this decision was. Let me explain, towards the end of September I was really struggling. My life had seemed to come to a stop and I wasn't sure why or where I was supposed to go or do next. I felt useless. Little did I know that God was using this in my life to teach me some lessons.
After a long talk with my parents late one night I realized that I definitely needed to go back to school. Out of the blue my mom mentioned going to Northland International University in WI. I was rather taken aback but the sudden suggestion but I decided to look into it. Plans were made and I went to visit for a few days. I loved it. The students were focused on God, the faculty were friendly, the campus was beautiful, the classes were "mind stretching," and the church I visited was awesome. Everything inside of me screamed to go back in January.

Then I came back home to reality. I considered everything that I would be leaving behind, especially the Mourdock campaign. My heart yearned to stay and continue the fight for this race and really, for this country. The conflict that was raging inside of me between the two "goods" was gut wrenching. I spent many hours praying, begging God for an answer. Over the course of the month I went back and forth between Wisconsin and Indiana. One minute I'd be going, the next I'd be staying. It was the most frustrating month of my life.

I had determined that if I was to go to Wisconsin two things had to transpire. One, I would be able to finish my four year degree in two years. Also, I had to hear back from the registrar at NIU by Friday at 7 pm. Neither happened. I know that was God's sign to me to stay. Was it difficult? Yes. But am I okay with the outcome? Yes. This is where I am needed, this is where God wants me.

All of this being said, I'm not giving up on my education. I am planning on going to school online starting in January. Right now I think I am going to get an undergraduate certificate in public administration (it should only take me a semester to finish) and then next Fall I will either start a communications degree or continue in the public administration program. I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

One of my biggest struggles this month was making sure that the decision I made wasn't just because that is what I wanted, I wanted it to be what GOD wanted. One passage in the Bible that really stood out to me was Matthew 10, the following are a few excerpts from it:

"Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. But beware of men, for they will deliver you up to councils and scourge you in their synagogues. You will be brought before governors and kings for My sake, as a testimony to them and to the Gentiles. But when they deliver you up, do not worry about how or what you should speak. For it will be given to you in that hour what you should speak.
And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.
Therefore whoever confesses Me before men, him I will also confess before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever denies Me before men, him I will also deny before My Father who is in heaven.
And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.
He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it."

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