Day 18: A Time When I Felt Alive and Passionate

Upon first reading what the title of this post would be my heart sank a little bit...what in the world was I supposed to write about? Then I remembered a time...

In February 2006 my life, spiritually speaking, was hanging in the balance. I was 15 going on 16 and had grown up in a Christian home. I knew "everything" about Christianity. I knew that Jesus had died and risen again for me. I knew that I was supposed to repent of my sins and accept Him as my Savior. I knew it. But it was only in my head.

My heart was rather dark and angry, full of self and what I wanted. My heart told me it was all a lie and the only reason to be on earth was to do what I wanted and be who I wanted to be. After all, who could prove that crazy stuff about Jesus? Even if they could prove it, the way most Christians acted made me want to turn and run the other way. I went to church every time the doors were open only because I had to, I put up with hearing about God every day of my life because I had no other choice. Yet I wanted out and could not wait until the day that I did not have to follow all of the rules and dot my i's just so and pretend like I was "little miss spiritual."

I am convinced that because of the prayers of my parents and others who loved me that my heart began to soften. One Thursday night my family was driving home from church and talking about the sermon that Pastor had preached, this discussion continued after we got home, and between Dad and I after Mom and Samuel went to bed. We were up until almost midnight and by then both my Dad and I knew that I was not saved, but I was too stubborn to admit it. Dad looked me in the eye and said,

"Hannah, I am going to pray that you will be miserable until you get saved!"

Now, when my dad says he is going to pray, that means things are going to happen! And miserable I was. I could hardly sleep and the next day was the worst day of my life. I was terrified of going anywhere, for fear of getting in a car accident and dying. I was afraid to eat because I did not want to choke. I was terrified to live and terrified to die. Life was awful. In my mind I could imagine Jesus hanging on the cross, it was as if He was looking at me and saying,

"Hannah, I did this for YOU! I love you so much and I want you to spend eternity with Me!"

I was overwhelmed. I wanted Salvation so badly, yet there was a horrendous spiritual battle going on inside of me. I could feel the forces of light and darkness fighting for my very soul. That terrified me the most.

Finally, evening came around. Dad came home from work. I did not really want to talk about everything in the open so I waited until the rest of my family had gone to bed, then I planned on talking to dad. He was reading his Bible when I walked past, looking up he said, "Hannah, are you ready to get saved now?" Everything inside of me screamed to say, "YES!" but something made me say, "No, not now." I remember the look of sadness on dad's face as I walked away, and I remember the feeling of dread and heaviness that was in my heart.

I went into my bedroom, closed the door, and fell sobbing on my bed. The battle inside of me was so fierce and hot, I could not take it any longer. I cried out to Jesus, begging Him to forgive me of my sins and to come into my heart and make me His own.

That is when I felt this tremendous peace at last fill my heart and soul. I felt alive and passionate, and full of hope. I gave my life to Christ and have never looked back.